T minus five minutes. I'm totally unenthused. This is gonna be a schmooze fest full of people I don't know or don't care about. They'll try to make it look like it was a close race, which no one could possibly believe, even Lauren herself. Then Scotty will be stuck with that weird song when he wins. Maybe they'll change the rules tonight and let him sing his own choice.
If my cable craps out like it did last night, I'm gonna kick something.
Speed footage, faces flash on the screen, numbers count down to 2. Ominous music plays while they show clips of cliches. "With that song you may have just won." etc.
Seacrest in the audience: So, who do you love? THIS is your finale, and THIS is American Idol.
The intro music seems longer than usual. Seacrest takes the stage, wearing a tux. I'm struck by how white this show is. Like, white bread.
Record voting! Again! Which only highlights that people are mass voting. Asks for cheers for Scotty and Lauren. Lauren gets more noise. THIS IS SO FABRICATED.
Introduces the judges. people scream for J Lo the most. Now, "the talk of the nation" takes the stage. L & S walk on stage -- in coordinated outfits, holding hands. puke. live shot of L home supporters, ditto for Team Scotty.
YAY, losers perform! they sing gaga's born this way. but they make it sound like they're performing at a Six FLags. They sing in small groups. Take a turn walking in a circle and mugging for the camera. Casey! We miss you! I don't remember some of these people's names. Who's the chick that did the reggae thing? And the guy who looks like a tuxedo model? He pulled out some weird flailing dance moves during this song. The losers are also in coordinated outfits that match the finalists (white and silver). At the end of the song, L&S emerge from the middle of the group, as if by magic. They sorta rival each other sfor who stands most in front. S doesn't really seem into it. I wonder if he's bought the hype and is actually worried. Or maybe he feels bad for L. God, I hate him.
Hey, wasn't white & silver the prom colors on Greys?
Seacrest: we're giving James the chance to rock with royalty. Judas Preist! And James! Okay, I know the name Judas Priest, but that's about it. James is wearing totally gay black leather. By which I mean, he looks like he's been cast as an extra at a leather gay night club. The chaffeur hat doesn't help. Fire shoots up in the back. It is pretty great to see James on stage, especially after the crap they made us watch last night. If I were into Judas Priest, I bet this would be pretty fun.
Hey! Breakin the law, breakin the law. I know that. It appears that they're singing a medley.
James is having a blast. The two guys hug. The judges give them a standing ovation.
Seacrest: That was literally hot. (Was that a joke about the flames on the stage? Nicely played, Seacrest. Nicely played.)
Methinks James doesn't want to get of the stage.
Seacrest: something about the "next superstar", so I guess that makes James a superstar?, but first... a video tribute to Randy. They make fun of him saying In it To Win It, showing lots of clips. That is actually a bit fun and ridiculous. Randy stands up, turns around to the audience, acknowledges that he's a douche.
next! Jacob and his idol CRAP I MISSED THE NAME.
Jacob is wearing a dark suit with white sneakers. "even though i've been here for a while, i'll smile". is this song called smile? Jacob is singing with a woman while some other guy mentions sad groups of people, like tornado victims... telling them to smile? This feels suspiciously like they are gonna ask me to donate money to something. Telethontastic.
Uh oh. Are they gonna have all of the superstars sing a duet with someone favorite somebody? I don't know how I feel about that. I suppose, if it means that Pia won't make me listen to a Celine Dion ballad, it will be a good thing.
My stomach is starting to think those pizza rolls I've been eating might not be such a great idea. TOO BAD, suckah. That's all yer gettin right now. There's a full plate of them, and they're not gonna go to waste.
Casey's on the stage! It goes straight to Casey. Just him. Then he kicks something aside and shows, um, some guy that other people appear to know. If it were Jack Black, that'd be perfect. Holy shit, is that Jack Black? Really?? Jack motherfuckin Black! This is amazing. Again, no idea what the song is. Casey is having a blast. Not growlin-and-prowlin -- oops, spoke to soon -- and now they're having a scat-off. biddle bodo wop wopwop wop. The song is countryish. The coordinate an ending where they mock skidadddle note-finding that idol contestants love. Subtle, subversive. Casey is awesome.
The two end on their knees, nose to nose, eyes staring into each others, trying not to crack up. Seacrest mentions Jack Black's movie, and the two run off as if holding hands and skipping thru daisies.
The Ladies of Idol! They're out of those white clothes, now in red & black. First it's that shoulda put a ring on it song that they did on the Glee football show in season one. I don't recgnize the second and third song in the medley. I barely recognize the people. Haley gets a one liner solo, like everyone else. The transitions between songs are really awkward, as is the singers change from poppy to pensive. Haley gets to sing a verse, and people yell for her. Next person singing a verse, I swear they brought her in just for this night. Salsa time now. and Pia. They're giving her more time than Haley, it seems. I do like that they didn't give her a solo in a balad. heh. screw you, pia. You gotta sing salsa.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Beyonce!" She appears out of fog and joins the ladies. I don't know what song she's singing. (Maybe we'll just assume this from now on, as it seems to be the norm. I'll let ya know if it becomes incorrect...) There are afros on stage. Did they bring in her own background singer/dancers instead of using the girls??
The song ends. The girls all hug.
I wonder if there were any female contestants besides Haley and Pia (and Lauren). Oh, and also that weirdo who went outside of the box so much that that was her box. She did the world dance thing at the end of a song. Her. But I contend that no other girls competed this year.
It's 7:40. They will have to save 20 minutes for stringing along the results -- save that thought --
Seacrest: reminder about the Top 11 tour.
Time for Steven's retrospective. They dub him the "loose canon" and show a bunch of clips of him swearing. He stopped doing that for the last month or so, I think. Swearing. And clips of him saying nonsense. Steven stands up for the crowd, who scream for him because he's the new Paula.
Haley and Tony Bennet! Shit. Holy. Shit. "Steppin out". She sounds amazing. When she holds back and forces herself to control her big voice, it's awesome. She looks like she's having a great time. Can't take her eyes of Bennet. I still can't believe this is Tony Bennet. That's what she's thinkin, too. They dance a little. Old school, cuttin a rug. It did have huge growling, Haley moments, but it was sweet and amazing.
Now J Lo's turn. Seacrest says she was popular with the contestants. (Duh.) Clips of first round audition guys saying they have crushes on her and girls crying. This is actually a little annoying. J Lo was by far the most productive, useful judge. And all they're gonna talk about is that she's pretty. She was smart and funny and saved the judging from being a total disaster. She gets more applause than the boys, ha.
TLC. This music is not the kind of music I thought they did. Ah, now there's girls sing. That's more like it. "Scrub". I KNOW THAT SONG! oh, but they're doing a medley, so there goes that. ooh! Next song is that "Chasing Waterfalls" song. I know that, too. For a good time, ask my friend R to rap it for ya.
I think -- I think -- some girls (contestants) have joined them. There's more people on stage now. Damn, either they're doing lots of full stage shots, or my eyes ain't what they used to be.
Seacrest: nice abs.
Seacrest asks Scotty fans to clap. now it's Scotty & Tim McGraw. Starts with Tim McGraw. He's wearing a cowboy hat. I know that cowboy hats are the thing, but I can't see his face at all. Scotty joins him, wearing all black and a leather jacket. No hat. You can tell that he's got a lot of maturing to do, but he can actually hold his own up there. He sorta looks like a Muppet Baby.
Scotty's having a hard time staying still when it's his turn to sing. "I went sky diving, mt climbing, I've loved deeper, I've spoke sweeter, Live like you were dying". Scotty most definitely looks like a little boy when he's standing next to a chunk of man meat like Tim McGraw. I bet the first thing his peeps make him do is hit the gym. Like how they make normal-weight women winners get skinny.
Seacrest: MORE of the Idol finale -- oh my gosh, wait until you see what's coming up next surpriii-iize -- after this.
That was actually the first time that Seacrest pimped an upcoming surprise. It's also 7:55. Is he trying to hook viewers for the next hour? It would also make sense to have something awesome at 8:00, to channel surfers. Jacob, James, and Casey have all sung. I can't imagine that they'd do S&L back to back. I hope it's not something lame like a previous Idol winner. Blah. For some reason, I'm stuck thinking about Flower Suit guy (I actually liked him, just can't remember his name. Paul?) and Elton John. That certainly would be something amazing. Simon singing would also be amazing
Seacrest says Idol found his protege with the Idol contestants. Flash to overweight guy at a microphone. (pretaped.) Oh shit. It's the time when they play crappy clips of crappy contestants that didn't make it. It's bad enough that they spend a month at the beginning of the season exploiting people and capitalizing off of highlighting their perverse notions about talent. Totally unnecessary to go back there.
Marc Anthony! He's a big deal, right? I guess about the "c". He's wailing at the top of the stairs on the stage. lots of girls with big ass fans. I think he's singing in Spanish, but he's stringing out the syllables so long that who could know. Yikes, tempo change! upbeat and lots of bongo drums. Oddly, I still can't tell if he's singing in Spanish or English w an accent. I know a little Spanish. I shoulda caught or word or two by now.
Woman on stage. Back to audience. swings her ass. J Lo! Hi there! I think her white dress is all fringe, no fabric. She dance-seduces marc anthony, then gets all dancey. This chick is a great dancer when she doesn't have to worry about singing.
TONS of applause. They kiss. Oh yeah. Dumb ass me, forgot they're married or whatever.
clip talking about eliminations. the "shocking" eliminations. Casey says it's him. Some other dude says it's James. mostly it's Casey and James. WHEE. James pointed out that Daughtry went out #4. Casey makes fun of James and makes me love him that much more.
HA!!!! Pia shows up between James and Casey, WEARING A TIARA AND A SASH THAT SAYS "MOST SHOCKING". bwahaha
Kiss, Prince. (no, Prince is not there.) Tuxedo Guy is pretty great on it. now, Paul. "she's a lady". is that rod stewart? is Paul rod stewart? james: "What's new pusscat?" Does idol hate this guy? He touches Casey's nose, and I want to jump in and join them. The guys sing pussycat behind them, and it gets really weird for everyone. Scotty next. He sings some country bullshit sitting on the stairs, and the rest of the guys walk over and join him. Jacob on stage. I guess he wasn't in the Scotty group sing? Is that 'cos they think black guys can't do country? No idea what he's sing. Sounds motowny, but that might be Jacob making that happen. CASEY!! HE IS HAMMING IT UP, HAVING FUN, INTERACTING WITH OTHER CONTESTANTS. HE IS SO OBVIOUSLY THE BEST. "WHY WHY WHY DELILAH" SCOTTY TRIES TO HAM IT UP WITH HIM. DON'T YOU ALL REMEMBER HOW SCOTTY HATED CASEY UNTIL HE GOT VOTED OFF?
Hey!! Tom Jones is on stage now. "It's not unusual." I have a weird fondness for Tom Jones and cheesy lounge music. Shot of Jack Black dancing in the audience. Group singing bits of the song behind him. I wonder if the turn down Paul's mic for group sings. Not that he's bad, but ain't no way to blend that voice into a succinct group. The stage is lit up with crazy spinning lights.
Casey was fantastic. Subjectively, but Objectively he was fantastic. Casey and Scotty standing next to each other, both having fun doing their thing. Casey looks like a performer. Sure, he's got a Jack Black indie thing going on, but he owns it. Scotty? He looks like a high school boy making an overly physical gay joke. It's uncomfortable to watch, especially because he is a high school boy, and I bet he does make gay jokes like that. It's unsettling, and no one wants to be reminded that this guy probably didn't have pubes when Obama was elected. Or, to get more on point, he was seven on 9/11. SEVEN. Why do I care? /Cos he sang that "where were you when the towers fell?" song and totally capitalizes off of bin Laden getting taken down. but he was a fetus when it happened. that's like me making a big deal out of remembering when we landed on the moon.
I missed a minute while I was ranting. Now L&S are singing... oh, it's the car commercial. A song about remembering.
This year, Ford is gonna give a car to the teacher of the contestant's choice. They say it's secret thing, but of course it's a car. oh wait. now they're saying it's something about when you test drive a ford, the school gets money. The teachers are in the audience, woo. They on the stage.
Seacrest: You guys have hot teachers.
L&S: Here are the keys to your brand new car.
Both get a car. Bonus: L&S both get any ford vehicle that they want. ha! the teachers got screwed.
Seacrest: We're gonna bring out someone provacative and shit. Gaga!
Dark stage, random red lights. Gaga is wearing a tent of beads as a hat. big wings, strings of beads hanging down. "i'm on the edge of glory and i'm hanging on with you". She's standing on top of a big thing of rocks, post-apocalypse style. whips off the hat, whew. She's wearing some kind of gold bikini. AH. she's on the edge of the pile of rocks, and she's on the edge in her song. Get it? Get it? She's also playing some piano up there. Some guy joins her up there, and now they're dancing while the 1980s come back and play a saxophone solo with a synth beat below it.
I wonder if people would pay more attention to Gaga's songs if she didn't do all of the shtick. They're actually good songs. But I guess she enjoys the shtick. sigh.
We've got Lauren's song, 20 minutes of dragging out the vote results... what else is gonna happen in the next 30 minutes? more Casey? (she asks, wiping drool from the corner of her mouth.) If Casey had made it further, I wonder if I would have grown to loathe him.
Commercial for Simon's new show.
Lauren. Wearing all black, some sparkles. Lauren's stage presence really has gotten better since the beginning. Is she singing with Carrie Underwood? I'm really not good at Country Idol. Is Carrie Underwood a big enough star that this is a big deal? Shouldn't Lauren have gotten someone special. I mean, Tony Bennet. TONY BENNET. "I took a Louisville Slugger..." Firecracker-y lights on the back of the stage. Standing ovation. If Lauren wins, I'm gonna be shocked. I actually prefer listening to her. Oh well.
Interviews of what other contestants think of S&L
pia: sounds like a pagent contestant. surprise
James: they're children.
It's just them making jokes about "they can't even read. they're just learning cursive" and "go to the prom"
beyonce. "one plus one" says "hello american idol" and asks permission to sing us her favorite song, all smokey breathy. all while the lights are down (red fog) and music plays. she can wail. I've never paid much attention to Beyonce before, but this intense, power ballad is sweet and strong and authentic. I want to stop typing so I can listen and get swept up. I think it's just her voice & piano. and really, it's like 20% piano, 80% her voice. I'm trying to picture different Idol contestants singing this. Like Jacob imploding in the middle, or James being sweer and screamy.
Fantastic. Really can't say much more about that.
I opened a dangerous door. I'm trying to picture Lauren or Scotty singing a song whose prominent lyrics were "make love to me". Gross. Now I'll pretend that they're 18. Still gross. You KNOW that Scotty is still worried about cooties and Lauren thinks babies come from the Baby Fairy. As for the singing, Scotty's polished with no substance, and Lauren I think actually has some substance (that will be great in 5, 7 years) but she's living in a bubble. Hell, they're both robots.
Seacrest: pimps tryouts for next season
my tv: cuts out a little. ruh roh.
Bono! And Spider-man is flying through the audience!? He lands on a web on the stage. Was this a Spider-man song? (Is there someone else singing with Bono? I mean, there IS. But is it a Someone? OH, I get it. that other guy is The Edge.) Seriously, what's up with the Spider-man theme? "Is it time to let go and rise above" Spider-man is lowered in front of J Lo, ala that upside down kiss. She peels his mask down and sorta bloops his nose. Seriously. She made a weird noise, poked his face, and they cut to
Ten more minutes. This is the real stuff now. I just realized that I'm so certain that Scotty will win -- and so apathetic about Lauren, and so grr about Scotty -- that I might be pissed if Lauren wins. Do I really want Scotty to win so I can mock him? Oh, but if Lauren wins, then I get to see Scotty lose. So, it's a win-win for me.
There's a commercial for a Zoe Deschanel.. movie? TV show? I really hope it's the latter. I also hope that I didn't too horribly slaughter last name.
Seacrest: We are about to announce the winner!
Hmm, TV is gettin nutty again. God hates me.
But first, before the results... Steven Tyler sings? Really? He's in a white suit, white piano. Is this a reminder that he's a legitimate musician, as opposed to the drooling mess of blather we've seen for the rest of this season? "Dream On" He steps away from piano, so he can do his scarf/microphone stand thing. I sorta want James to--
That was quick. Is that song usually that short?
Earlier, Seacrest made a point of promising that the winner announcement wouldn't get cut off by DVRers this time. Yeah right. It's 8:58. How are they gonna announce AND give Scotty time to see that embarrassing song that was written for him. Maybe he won't sing. Maybe he'll just make funny eyebrow faces and wiggle around lke he's scared of cooties.
It feels like there's a lot of commercials right now. 9:01. OH! Checked tv. show goes past 9
BACK! on the stage. Mr Edward Bottingham delivers the official votes to Seacrest.
dim the lights, heeeere we go.
The winner is.... Scotty McCreery!
Lauren looks almost relieved as she hugs him. (Darling yellow dress on Lauren, btw.) The other contestants swarm around Scotty. Seacrest pulls him out of the mess. Scotty says he and Lauren have been in it since day one, and then he brings it back to him and thanks Jesus.
Song time. They stuck with that weird song about being young. He nods to a few contestants and then goes into the audience and goes down a row, hugging them one by one while he sings. He's sorta phoning in the song. Back to contestants, hugging each of them down the row. The music (singing included) is background filler while Scotty acknowledges everyone and confetti falls. Except the singing is supposed to be this big important thing, so it's surreal and weird. Song ends. It's hard to find any continuity in the sea of confetti and faces. Lauren attacks Scotty with kisses. Do they usually keep all the losers on the stage? It's weird.
Scotty, yelling: "THANK YOU SO MUCH"
fade out, end!