This is my take on a Live Blog. I type while I watch. Currently, I'm w/o DVR, so that means no pause-button.
Footage of fetus Carrie Underwood singing that Somewhere mouse song.
Footage of a young David Cook
Footage of a young Laure Alaina
Footage of Scotty promoting American Idol, age 5.
THIS is American Idol.
Crap, My cable just fucked up. Static, picture/sound coming in and out. If it continues, this will become incredibly difficult. Seriously? That's gotta happen tonight?
Tons of screaming girls with bright poster board.
Seacrest: There's gotta be some way I can make this exciting, so I guess I'll say... youngest match up ever!
Finalists take the stage. Seacrest addresses rumor that Lauren has a sore throat. Some expert guy comes on stage, says she was singing SO HARD during rehearsal that she's in danger now. UH HUH. Seacrest checks in with Scotty, who is "doing great".
round one: favorite song from the season
round two: past idol pick?
Carrie Underwood picks for Lauren
Someone? picks for Scotty
round three: the worst song ever. i think it's the song written for the contestant to be the first single for that person, should they win. woo! so it's gonna be all "I'm going to Disneyland!" when the Idol winner sings at the end of tomorrow night's show. (They still do that, right? I can't remember who the last winner was, and I have no idea if I watched it. I know I took a break for awhile, but I have NO idea when that was. I don't know if that says more about the show or me.)
Scotty up first.
I have no idea what this song is, but I remember him singing it. Gone something? He's wearing a leather jacket and walking around the stage. It's boring to watch, unless you're into him, which apparently tons of screaming teen girls are. It's just typical Scotty. Eyebrows, face tweaks. (This is more fun to recap earlier on in the competition, I think.) He does a bat-swing with the microphone at the end.
What, no comments from judges? WTF.
My TV is now totally junky. GREAAAAT. I'll hang in there fer now, tho.
Lauren up. I bet she picks that build it anyways song. Oh, no. "Head down low don't knock on my door..." She sings like she knows she's not gonna win. I have no idea what song this is, but okay. I feel like I'm watching the 2012 election results. Lauren's hair is super weird tonight. Big, but flat and floppy. At the same time. Is that possible?
Seacreast blah blahs and hugs Lauren.
Seacrsest: It's okay, Sweetie. At least you made it this far. And don't think about Pia, who is rumored to have a single out already. I mean, you're only SIXTEEN.
check in from twitter. America is still stupid.
Seacrest reminds us that we can download shit that's being sung tonight.
Round two, Scotty up!
My screen's still messy, so I can't say much about this song. His shirt looks like hot pink flannel, but I think it's just red. His face is out of control with Scotty-faces. I wonder if he practices those in the mirror. God, I hate this guy. Oh! "Check yes or no" is a song lyric. If you know anything about country music, maybe that'll help you identify it. Scotty's playin guitar, btw.
Man! They're really zooming through this shit. Not quite what I expected it would be, from the typing end, but okay. I guess it works when the cable's fucked up.
Wait a minute. *checking the guide* it's only an hour show? WHA? I thought both tonight and tomorrow were two hour shows. I wonder if I'm just totally remembering tradition wrong or if they changed shit this year.
Note: so far, the judges haven't said a word. It's a country concert, hosted by Seacrest.
Oprah Goodbye commercial playing right now. Makes me think about how Beck is the new Oprah, and what that means about America.
NANNANAANa, Seacest: Welcome back!
Carrie Underwood picks Lauren's song, but I don't catch the title. She starts out perched on a stool in a dress that makes her look like a marionette. She sounds like she's finally gettin' into it. It took someone else picking a song for her to get her into it? That's saying something. I'm still stunned she didn't pick that build it anyways song in round one.
Tons of applause.
Scotty comes on stage. Judges speak. YAY. At least this should be fun... right? This show feels like a confetti store.
Randy: America, you chose these two. You get what you get. It's so hard to pick, y'all. Scotty, you are both good and good. Lauren, you are both good and pretty good. (Pam Tillis! That was her round 2 song.)
Round one to Scotty, two to Lauren.
JLo: Scotty nailed it in round one. Lauren took round two (? TV blocked it out.)
Steven: Lauren is prettier than Scotty. I like pretty things. I am hot and awesome.
Randy: IN IT TO WIN IT!!! I just wanted to say that again!!
Coke had a song writing contest. Tyo Cruise? Wha?
Weird, tall action figures with drums and electric sticks walking on the stage. Singer has sunglasses. God, it pisses me off when performers hide their eyes like that. Smoke on stage. chorus: Positive. Hey, gonna be positive (repeat again and again). Well, I guess we really are out of the age of AIDS being scary.
These lyrics were written to be a commercial. Good thing the song was written to sell a product. Why they had to stage a live performance of that bland nonsense? No fucking idea.
twitter tells me that TAIO CRUZ sang the coke song. Is that someone? Should I know who that is? twitterites agree that he and the song sucked. I want to say that he's somehow connected to Black Eyed Peas, but I think that's just because the background drummer peeps reminded me of the Superbowl halftime fiasco.
WELCOME BACK! It also appears that my TV has cleared up. Finally.
Iovine, for the first time.
Jimmy Iovine: Your song is perfect for you (Scotty). It's big and you're big and wahoo. If he plays it right tonight, "there's no reason the confetti won't fall on him." Um, isn't this entire show confetti falling on him?
I miss Casey. sigh.
Scotty sings. This was written for him and his teen fan base. Gawd. Chorus "I love you this big". Seriously? (Arms waving in crowd, in sync w song. Seriously?) Chord change to emphasize drama. SERIOUSLY? He's in a suit, w just a microphone. (Oh, and now fog.) They do few face shots, which I find surprising. Don't they want us to see his insincere wink and carefully practiced eyebrow raise?
Randy: Blahing about I don't know if this is the right song for you...", but you are in it to win it!. He subtly insults JImmy Iovine, which is pretty fuckin sweet.
J Lo: I missed it while I was laughing about Randy, who, btw, said "in it to win it" again. What is the point of the judges now? Are they telling the contestants what to do better or what they did wrong? NO. (Not that they did that before...) Even still, this is way fuckin boring, and more time with the judges might help.
Steven: some basketball metaphor. You did great, honey, but I'm pretty sure the I didn't sign up for Country Idol.
Back to Scotty
Scotty: Never in my wildest dreams...
Seacrest: You're so chill
Scotty: I dunno. Am I? Are they buying it?
Is it weird or totally appropriate for The X Factor to advertise here?
We're back in front of 7000 fans while Seacrest stands behind the judges.
Iovine: "The lyrics of this song capture her journey." Also, this song appears to be all about mothers.
Lauren wears a white dress. A weird open-mouthed pic of Lauren is on the back screen. They coulda picked something better. Chorus:"When I ____, like my mother does". Lauren is phoning it in except for the money shot notes. This is annoying. I *want* her to do well. I don't want her to win (I don't want either of them to win), but I want her to at least fight for it. She saunters to the audience. Presumably dances with Mom. and... *SCENE* Applause. Not a standing ovation. I feel uncomfortable. Lauren looks confused and teary, as usual.
Randy: This song was your journey. THAT WAS AMAZING. He gives her a standing ovation. Lauren grins. For the first time tonight, she has a glint in her eye.
J Lo: This was a tight race tonight, but with that song you might have won.
Steven: Blahblah I said you were it early on, so if you win, I'm the real winner blahblah
Seacrest: how are you feelin?
Lauren: I have a mom
Scotty walks on stage. Seacrest asks the judges who's gonna win.
Randy: slight edge to Lauren
J Lo: I love them both, it's a tight race. I want to say Scotty, because I'm no dummy, but his performance tonight was meh, so I'll just say it's a tight race.
Steven: Lauren gets it hands down
Clips of Scotty and Lauren's three songs. (Yes, now my TV is coming in awesome. Perfect timing, no?) They catch a screenshot of Lauren's face at the end of her third song, and she looks authentic
TOMORROW:" two hour, star-studded finale where we will crown our next American Idol"
OOH! Special treat. David Cook singing "Don't You Forget About Me". This is surreal. But it is exactly what it is. He plays guitar, by which I mean there is a guitar hanging on him. His singing is rough in the right-ish ways, polished. I generally hate the time/s when OOH! OLDIES SING!, but tonight, this is my favorite part of the show. Now, that might have something to do with me actually knowing the fucking song. Maybe.
He sings over the credits.
This show was a total let down. See ya for the results tomorrow.